Can We Rewind??

I' feel like death today. I actually want to go to bed. Can't even get myself to do that. I have an exam tomorrow....I think I've studied all I could and I know I should be trying to review and all that but I can't so....Hi blog. It's been two days. (last entry was a drunk entry so it's gone now)lol. I'll make this short. Timing is everything. I always say time doesn't wait for you when you've fallen behind. So get your shit together people. You want something? Go get that shit...& even if it doesn't work out..or you don't get what you want, at least you can sit back relax and say you tried. I tell you this from personal experience. I've had MANY. well they're not exactly experiences more like lost opportunities but you get my drift. You see because I'll tell you what happens next, you might go on wondering what if for..... (let's not exaggerate here) not the REST of your life but a great majority of it. OR worse...you can get one little taste of what you let pass you by and then say SHIT. What the fuck? Can we rewind???........Anyway just remember this....Things DO happen for a reason. They do. So do I have any regrets? "Other than timing...none" & thats that. I feel like shit. I'm off to bed.

A sick but otherwise doing pretty damn good-Dar

Probably My Best Facebook Status Ever!

with everyday that passes, my motivation to finish school only gets bigger. I know that the sacrifes I am making now, will pay off for me at the end. I'm intelligent and hardworking, and I owe to it MYSELF to move on to bigger and better. There are so many opportunities waiting for me out there, and I can't wait to start taking them. Step by step, day by day, I'm on my way.


-Written like a true champ ;)

Now really unitl May lol

I Thought I'd Never Feel You Again.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, too much maybe. I've been distracted, can't focus, and it shouldn't be this way for me. Not now, because it won't end well. Second semester of Nursing school's started and I shouldn't be preoccupied with anything other than studying and doing my thing.....but...I have. So instead of letting it invade my mind at night for any longer, I've decided to write about it and maybe I can get on with it.
My ex/first love/cherry popper/ has moved back into town just recently with his wife (the woman he left me for) and his child, and I'm all weird about it.  I don't love him, I haven't for a very long time, but knowing that he's around, it brings back so many painful memories.  Quote time?? Yes.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them feel"- Maya Angelou

Now let's be honest when it comes to relationships that didn't end well you often remember EVERYTHING. but I do think back and find myself struggling to remember what the fights and arguements were about, well, at least petty ones, but I can't ever forget how he. hurt. me. & how long I allowed it to happen. I can't believe, it still fucking hurts. To see what he's become, to see how perfectly his life seems to have gone on, I say seem because you never really know.  It's difficult because here I am. I haven't had one real relationship since him & though I am proud of the fact that I'm doing what I want, that I'm successful in school, and that I'm laying the pavements leading to my dream career FINALLY in the right direction. What about love? what about that dream? I'm alone, as much my fault(I admit) as it is most of the guys(some of them real douchebags) I've tried to love. It's hard ladies and gentlemen, you all KNOW this...... to find love. I find myself twisting and turning at night, thinking of times when I cried myself to sleep or when I didn't sleep,  just cried. Like a child....I was 19 years old and I cried like a two year old who fell and needed her mother, EVERY NIGHT. I think of all the stupid mistakes I made after the relationship was over, things I did to fill that hole because I felt so damn empty. I hate it. So, I don't know. It's not like I want something bad to happen to him though I wanted that years ago when fucked me over. In reality that won't make me feel better. I know you must be laughing at that sentence right now but it's true. You think it's going to make you feel better, seeing the person who hurt you in pain, but it won't. Truth is, your pain will never go away, it might die down a little, or go into a hiatus but it can always come back to the surface. All it needs is a little reminder.

-Til May

Darleny

My story of 2010



Dear Blog,

                  I apologize for abandoning you for so long....I assure you though its all because of good things. So here is my story for this year. I passed my first semester at Christ Hospital Nursing School with.......*drum rolls* and 'A'. Man does that feel good!!!! Its been a tough semester full of sweat blood and tears but I have never been more happier. I worked so incredibly hard to get that A and I am so proud of myself. KUDOS FOR ME!!! So other than school this year has been interesting...I've lost friends, made some new ones, made some bad choices, made some very good ones, but I guess that's  how everyones life goes, no big surprise. What's different about me after this long but good year is that for once in a very very long time I put everything else aside and concentrated on ME. School was first when it came to everyone and everything. Its kind of paved the way for me because seeing the great outcome of that, I'm just going to continue on the path of putting what I want first. I don't mean that in a selfish, I don't give a fuck about you way. More like a this what I want, I'm going to fight to acheive it, and I don't want any UNECESSARY bullshit or drama in the way.  I believe in my heart, truly that things will only get better for me. If I'm happy with myself, then I can be happy with everyone else..its goes hand in hand with that "If I don't love myself, than no one else will" phrase.   I am looking forward, so very much to finishing school, to starting my career, to moving out and definitely to finding love. I'm ready for my life to start, ready to branch out, ready for EVERYTHING. Looking back at the past few years, I've realized that I've let so many opportunities pass me by. Let so many things slip through my fingers. I don't want to do that anymore, not ever. It's too painful. Too see all of the things you wanted....vanish. This has been a year of tears, laughs, loss, success but most of all of enlightenment. I see things in a whole new way. A happier way. So cheers for the years coming. Success is scary, but I've tasted a bit of it and I want more.

...............................................

to my biggest fan...talk about enlightenment...

Carlos Valera, Una Palabra...

"Una verdad no dice nada
y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo
como una hoguera que no se apaga
como una piedra que nace polvo."- Carlos Valera.

TWENTY-FIVE

I'm turning 25 this saturday & I have no idea where the past 10 years have went. Time passes wayyyyyy too fast. So..just an update on my life. I'm back in school and it feels absolutely amazing. I am so happy that I'm back. Its been about 6 weeks since I have started the nursing program and I am so proud of myself. I have truly dedicated myself to studying and school work....and my job. Though my job has actually taken a back seat to this Nursing thing. I'm working a lot less and studying a lot more. I mean I see the material in my sleep. Working less is not easy... I need MONEY....we all need money but hey I know it will all be worth it in the end when I finally have my diploma and Im working in a hospital. I'm so excited...I KNOW that this is my time. Anyway back to this whole turning 25 thing. Is it me or does celebrating your birthday get overrated as time flies by. It's not that I'm not excited about my birthday, I mean everyone gets excited but Im just not jumping up and down and making plans and inviting the whole world to some big ass club to dance and drink the night away with me....like I usually do. I mean I am having some drinks don't get me wrong but 5 people are probably invited to come with me. I feel the only reason why I'm actually going out is because I haven't really been around anything but nursing students in the past month. I need a night out....but if i wasn't really feeling suffocated by nursing diagnoses...I'd prob just put on some sweats, rent some movies, and have a glass of wine. lol DEPRESSING right??


More than anything though what I want for my birthday is........love......no big surprise there. lol I want to feel butterflies again dammit. I haven't felt butterflies in such a long time...actually no wait I have.....but I ignored them until they went away lol...I guess I was scared or whatever...but I don't know I've spent 5 birthdays alone since I was 19....alone meaning without a significant other and I'm just tired of being lonely....so....to you my love...if you're out there somewhere just find me already....take my breath away with a kiss...

I Find You..Within These Lines..

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: 'La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos.'
El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.


Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.
En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.


Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.
Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.
Oir la noche inmensa, más inmnesa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.


Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guadarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.
Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.
Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.
La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.


Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.
De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.
Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.
Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.


Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.
 
-Pablo Neruda

I'm Good.

Time passes and it doesn't wait for you when you've fallen behind.

I changed a long long time ago....too bad you weren't around to see this.

I'm good....the way I am now......better than I ever been before.

Just don't know why it took me this long

........to be strong.