Here I Go Again...

I'm good in MIND. I have my moments like anyone else...but overall, I'm good, I am tranquila(calm)...I just love that word in spanish lol.

My SPIRITS are up. Spring is around the corner. I LOVE spring.

Time to work on my BODY.  No not because it's almost summer, but because I'm unhealthy. I HATE being unhealthy. So  I went back to the gym on Monday. Feels great to be back. I'm taking it slow though. I have school, so that's my focus but I'm pretty sure exercise will only make me feel better, and help me STAY focused.

Here I go again.........you watch me.

A Determined, Dar :)

Love or Something Like It...

All things love...
& you all know I'm a sucka for love <3

I Chose Right.

I thought I wouldn't be writing so much...but like I've already posted, sleep seems to stay far far away from me. Just got back from my first night back to med-serg clinical rotation at Christ Hospital. Had a great clinical night. So, I helped my clinical group with this very interesting patient, helped irrigate his NG tube, clean his stoma/changed his colostomy bag. For anybody reading this, if you don't know what the above means lol google it. Anyway, sad story with this patient. He is completely depressed, so depressed that he can't even perform ADL's (sorry that means he can't even do routine things like feeding himself of bathing himself) You, see he was diagnosed with Diabetes quite some time ago and all he really dedicated himself to was his job. Well his job layed him off and he got so depressed that he just stopped taking care of himself. He is 55 years old & he can't talk, he is on oxygen, he's suffered a stroke, he has a huge ulcer on his back connected to a drainage device, he has a catheter, and he has a colostomy and he has a tube inserted into his stomach for feeding.  :( It was horrible to see. But we all took care of him. Cleaned him up, changed his sheets, gave him his meds & at the end of it I reached for his hand and reassured him that we were going to be there tomorrow to take care of him. He squeezed my hand a gave me this look. like THANK YOU.  & that's why I want to do this, that's why I chose to take this direction because although so many people out there say to me "I can't clean shit for the rest of my life or oh man you have to deal with blood and vomit and blah blah blah." , I know that the truth is, I'm going to be touching peoples lives. I'm going to help people feel better and though I know I won't be able to save EVERYONE's life...I'm always going to have those moments, those patients that are going to make it worth while.

I had a good clinical night........something's still off.
so, I'm off. Good night bloggers.
-Dee

12.45 AM

Quarter to 1am and I can't sleep. That's not unusual for me lately...got a lot on my mind. One of them definitely being school. I think my brain is just constantly on the go now. Even when I tell my mind to go to  sleep it  just keeps working. I dream of colostomies, and therapeutic communication, injections and IV dosages. It's really never-ending. Another thing occupying my mind lately is how much I want to go back to the gym, make time for me to work out. Time just doesn't seem to  be my friend lately. I feel I don't have time for much anymore that doesn't involve being a grown ass responsible working student. Wake up..go to my 9-2, study 2-4, school 5:30-11pm. Where do my days go?? I really shouldn't be complaining I KNOW because things were going really really well lately. but....things are off right now. Maybe just tonight I'm feeling.........just off....after weeks of being.......on. Sheesh you would think I was bipolar.

I just need a moment. A pefect moment.  Maybe a smile, a kiss on the head, a brush on the lips, or a breath on my neck. A hug....or an I love you. Just for me. A completely, ridiculously blissful, perfect minute, just for me.

-darleny.

Can We Rewind??

I' feel like death today. I actually want to go to bed. Can't even get myself to do that. I have an exam tomorrow....I think I've studied all I could and I know I should be trying to review and all that but I can't so....Hi blog. It's been two days. (last entry was a drunk entry so it's gone now)lol. I'll make this short. Timing is everything. I always say time doesn't wait for you when you've fallen behind. So get your shit together people. You want something? Go get that shit...& even if it doesn't work out..or you don't get what you want, at least you can sit back relax and say you tried. I tell you this from personal experience. I've had MANY. well they're not exactly experiences more like lost opportunities but you get my drift. You see because I'll tell you what happens next, you might go on wondering what if for..... (let's not exaggerate here) not the REST of your life but a great majority of it. OR worse...you can get one little taste of what you let pass you by and then say SHIT. What the fuck? Can we rewind???........Anyway just remember this....Things DO happen for a reason. They do. So do I have any regrets? "Other than timing...none" & thats that. I feel like shit. I'm off to bed.

A sick but otherwise doing pretty damn good-Dar

Probably My Best Facebook Status Ever!

with everyday that passes, my motivation to finish school only gets bigger. I know that the sacrifes I am making now, will pay off for me at the end. I'm intelligent and hardworking, and I owe to it MYSELF to move on to bigger and better. There are so many opportunities waiting for me out there, and I can't wait to start taking them. Step by step, day by day, I'm on my way.


-Written like a true champ ;)

Now really unitl May lol

I Thought I'd Never Feel You Again.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, too much maybe. I've been distracted, can't focus, and it shouldn't be this way for me. Not now, because it won't end well. Second semester of Nursing school's started and I shouldn't be preoccupied with anything other than studying and doing my thing.....but...I have. So instead of letting it invade my mind at night for any longer, I've decided to write about it and maybe I can get on with it.
My ex/first love/cherry popper/ has moved back into town just recently with his wife (the woman he left me for) and his child, and I'm all weird about it.  I don't love him, I haven't for a very long time, but knowing that he's around, it brings back so many painful memories.  Quote time?? Yes.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them feel"- Maya Angelou

Now let's be honest when it comes to relationships that didn't end well you often remember EVERYTHING. but I do think back and find myself struggling to remember what the fights and arguements were about, well, at least petty ones, but I can't ever forget how he. hurt. me. & how long I allowed it to happen. I can't believe, it still fucking hurts. To see what he's become, to see how perfectly his life seems to have gone on, I say seem because you never really know.  It's difficult because here I am. I haven't had one real relationship since him & though I am proud of the fact that I'm doing what I want, that I'm successful in school, and that I'm laying the pavements leading to my dream career FINALLY in the right direction. What about love? what about that dream? I'm alone, as much my fault(I admit) as it is most of the guys(some of them real douchebags) I've tried to love. It's hard ladies and gentlemen, you all KNOW this...... to find love. I find myself twisting and turning at night, thinking of times when I cried myself to sleep or when I didn't sleep,  just cried. Like a child....I was 19 years old and I cried like a two year old who fell and needed her mother, EVERY NIGHT. I think of all the stupid mistakes I made after the relationship was over, things I did to fill that hole because I felt so damn empty. I hate it. So, I don't know. It's not like I want something bad to happen to him though I wanted that years ago when fucked me over. In reality that won't make me feel better. I know you must be laughing at that sentence right now but it's true. You think it's going to make you feel better, seeing the person who hurt you in pain, but it won't. Truth is, your pain will never go away, it might die down a little, or go into a hiatus but it can always come back to the surface. All it needs is a little reminder.

-Til May

Darleny