experimenting.

I gained two pounds -_-.  I really really don't do well with stress. I had two tests today for school and I became so stressed over it I was eating like crazy. I was doing so well too. ugh. Good thing is I'm starting the gym back up tomorrow and I'm hoping that working out relieves some of the stress that I KNOW I'm going to get from school. I am doing it a little different this time, I'm starting off slow. My goal is to start off working out at least three days a week. I find that when I say I'm going to go everyday, I don't.  I end up overwhelming myself, stressing myself out and then......it all goes to shit.


Been getting into cooking lately. I've come to really really like it. I've been experimenting with  some recipes that I got from the food network and allrecipes.com and I have to say not only have they come out delish but they've been fun and easy to make. Here are some of the things I made throughout the week.

Ground turkey tacos I was out of whole wheat tortillas & used regular. I actually didn't use a recipe for this. I just seasoned some veggies threw them on the grill and threw them over the ground turkey I made. Topped it off with some shredded lettuce, homemade pico de gallo and vioalaaa. My parents loved this.  

Fajita style grilled chicken and veggies. I love using bright colors in my dishes. I love love love grilled veggies. No recipe here either.

Grilled portabello panini..this sandwhich was soooo good.  I used spinach, basil, sundried tomatoes and gorgonzola cheese. Topped it off with little bit of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. The flavors were amazing.

Tuna salad with spinach. I used the spinach leaves as  little wraps. Next time I'll make sure to buy bigger spinach leaves. I used Hellman's lowfat olive oil mayo, tomatoes, salt pepper and a hint of vinegar. Oh and I added little bits of fresh mozzerella cheese..it was yummmm.

Grilled chicken teriyaki stir fry...I didn't use too much teriyaki sauce, didn't want to turn this into a high calorie, high sodium dish. Pour this over some brown rice and you have a healthy delish dinner.

So Im no expert but I'm definitely having fun with this cooking thing...I'm hoping to get better and better at it. Well thats all for tonight. My weekend actually starts tonight. I have off from work and school tomorrow. So I'm going to take advantage and head to the gym, and relax. Have a nice weekend everyone. :)

tonight I want some company.

Update on my diet status...lost two more pounds so its a total of 13. I actually feel pretty darn good. I'm starting to feel a little bit more like myself and though I still have a long...long way to go. I feel like I'm getting off to a good start.  I've started to cook healthy foods again. I made a grilled chicken panini sandwhich for dinner.  I threw in some spinach, fresh mozz, roasted red and yellow peppers, olive oil and a tiny bit of balsamic vinegar. I had a tiny side salad with it. I have to say it was so good. I took it to class so that instead of heading to Dunkin Donuts on break, I had my nice lil healthy dinner. As I get more into this thing I'll post pictures and stuff of what Im eating and how I'm progressing. I'm excited and can't wait for the new and improved me. :)

Tonight I feel like having some company. This week was my first week back to school and as usual I was bombarded with information. I already have a test next week o.O So I'm home after a long night at school, its Friday and I almost called one of my girlfriends to go out for a drink but I just feel like having a different type of company tonight.  I don't really want to go out..its so cold out. I want someone to come visit me for a change. Bring over a bottle of wine and sit here and just talk to me for a few...& today I prefer a guy...I'd be lying if I told you otherwise.  Sometimes, its just so much better to sit and talk with a dude. I know you all must be wondering if I'm out of my mind, considering that I just posted not too long ago about some dude who was driving me nuts...but what can I say...can't live with them, can't live without them lol. I'm sure you all understand lol. Anyway, I'll probably just watch TV til I fall asleep...I'll spend the weekend getting mentally prepared for what's coming in this semester. Hope everyone has a lovely and safe weekend :)

Eleven.

So its been 10 days since the "intervention" and I've lost 9 pounds since then...is that normal??? I've lost a total of 11 pounds in 1 month....and I'm happy about it, I feel fucking great..but at the same time I'm like is my scale broken because 11 pounds seems like a lot for just one month. Whats even more shocking is that I'm not working out yet, I'm just doing the Herbalife diet which consists of replacing breakfast and dinner with a protein shake and then eating a normal but healthy lunch, you can find more info here. I have to say I've been feeling pretty good. I start working out next week. I also start school again next week. -_- joy. I need to really work on  a schedule. I want to be able to go to the gym and do school without stressing myself out so damn much. I LOVE how I feel when I work out...I LOVE being on what I call "fierce mode" I LOVE being able to box, I LOVE playing ball..I love how if feels when I'm active, and when I'm physically fit. I MISS feeling that way. So here I go again. This shit is hard, but I KNOW I can do it. So I'll keep you guys posted and if any of you out there, are trying to do the same, we'll do it together :)

intervention.

fun day today -_- not. so my parents, well mainly my father came into my room today to ask me about my eating habits because he's noticed that I've gained a lot of weight over the past months. It then turned into a very uncomfortable conversation about how I needed to lose weight, how he wasn't trying to hurt me or make me feel bad, that he was worried and wanted to be honest. I was so....embarrassed...I couldn't do anything but look down and cry...I couldn't even look at them in the face.  Imagine, your deepest most painful insecurities..now imagine someone you love pointing those very things out to your face. IT HURTS. ouch. Don't get me wrong I understand, I really do how they mean no harm but....I already know Im overweight. Ask me how many times I've looked at a mirror over the past months and I can count them with my hands. Because I don't want to look in the mirror. I don't feel healthy, I don't feel pretty and I definitely don't feel confident. & this isn't the first time...I've felt like this before...and I lost weight and I felt great and then I started school I stopped gyming it up, I got stressed I started eating and here I am.  This has been a battle all my life. Up and down Up and down Up and down. It sucks.. there is no other way to put it. Its a viscous, VISCOUS fucking cycle. In the words of that big dude in Austin Powers..."I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat."  Anyway not everything in this post will be negative. The upside of everything is, that I'm so hurt about this damn intervention that I'ts actually given me a push to just start taking care of this problem again. So grabbed a hammer and two nails and did this....

I nailed these jeans to my wall, because I need a constant reminder that I used to fit into these babies 1 year and 1/2 ago....and that when I fit into these jeans I was happy, and smiling and healthy and rockin that shit like....

& these are a size 12(im closing in on 18 right now).....they aren't some crazy size 0s cuz the truth is I will never be a size 0(I have a big ass no matter how much I lose)....and quite honestly I don't want to be. I was perfectly content with a size 12 ....if I get to an 8...cool. Point is I don't ever want an intervention again. It feels like shit.

Perfectly content I tell you.

 

two thousand eleven in review.

This year has been quite the rollercoaster for me...it was just...for the lack of a better word...difficult. So im actually glad to see it go away lol. Can't believe we are already celebrating New Years..time has passed so darn fast. I once made a list, some time ago of things that I want to do, that I never did before.... before that year was over. Unfortunatley, I didn't open myself up enough to do those things. But surprisingly enough, in what has been probably the most overwhelming year I've had...I did some of those things on the list..and some things that weren't without even realizing it. & going through them in my head...I've done some pretty cool things this year. They might not seem like a big deal to any of you because they are actually so common.....but here is my year in review.





{got my first tatto which I love}

{experienced the operating room AND helped deliver a baby}



{went to DC to see all things history}



{went on a road trip with friends to Philly}

                                                                     

{went to Medieval Times-I really had never went there before lol}

{opened myself up to an amazing group of people-my nursing school buddies}



{made my first Christmas Eve dinner}





Now, like I said some of these things might seem -blah- but they were all important to me throughout this year. It reminds me that even in a time where everything seemed to go wrong, I still had some fun, exciting moments. I'm excited for the new year. 2012 will be the beginning of the rest of my life as a nurse. It will be the start of a new life. It will be exciting and scary, and fun and full of love. 2012 will be great. Happy New Year everyone!!

my first noche buena dinner

So my Christmas dinner was a success...food came out really good. on the menu was roasted chicken with a wasakaka sauce (like a mojo sauce but Dominican style) made from scratch, green salad, pernil, moro de guandules, pastelon de platano maduro, ensalada de coditos, potatoes au gratin,  it was all very delicious...I have to say my family was very pleased. Hope your noche buena was as good as mine :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas is around the corner....a little different for us this year....my family and I usually go to my sisters for Christmas or have people over but this year since my mom is still in the healing process I've decided to  make dinner at my home. Nobody is really coming over because my sister's are all going to their moms house. So, its just my mom, dad , lil Andrew, and my older brother Chris. I'm very excited to be cooking, I've never done the whole "noche buena" shabang myelf and this will be my first time cooking a pernil in general. My mom's gets easily  fatigued now so she will help and give me some instructions but I'm doing the majority of the cooking lol. We'll see how it turns out....and hey I'm not that bad, I'm sure it will be great lol. Anyway here is a picture of my mom and little brother decorating the Christmas tree. I used a picture app on my phone and I think it came out so cool!!  Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Merry Christmas!!!

it's not that serious.

so I'm 26
not married
not engaged
not pregnant
why is that such a bad thing?
Everybody is like oh you need to find someone soon!!!
What's the obsession...??
I get lonely sometimes...I do but
I'd like to think I have some time.....yea who doesn't want someone to love...someone to love them back.
I just haven't met that person yet
so.....back off. sheeshhhh.

some time.

So...my mom's surgery went well...thank you JESUS....she's home and resting, very fatigued but doing well. We have to go back in 6 weeks for another procedure but so far so good. I'm so relieved and so happy that she is back home. Final also went well...finished by third semester of Nursing school with a B- which in Nursing school is amazing. I'm proud of myself and I'm very happy for the blessings I've had these passed couple of months. In the words of my clinical instructor "Santa is looking out for you this Christmas." Today has been the first day in a longgg time since I've actually gotten to relax and have some time for myself. It was an overwhelming couple of weeks and I have to say I almost thought I wouldn't make it through this final. I've been so exhausted that when I got my final grade I didn't even have a reaction. I was kind of like ok back to bed lol. Then later onnnn I was like holy shit its time to celebrate lol.
I've been taking care of my mom since the surgery. Can you believe, the hightlight of my week was making her chicken soup? lol and it actually came out pretty damn good. She had a smile from ear to ear when she saw me walk into her room with a bowl of homeade soup in my hand. She ate everysingle spoon of it. It was an awesome feeling. Its the best feeling when you can take care of someone who has done so much for you. I love her. She is seriously the mac to my cheese. I'm so happy she is home...so happy she is safe...and so happy she finally got this damn procedure done.

I have some time off now...time I really needed. I have some time with her and dad..and my family. Some time I'm going to enjoy the fullest.

can't wait to get to a road with a little less bumps.

in a scary place right now. I've had...the most difficult time the passed couple of months.  I've always had some reason to complain about my life...always felt incredibly pained, angry, depressed about one thing or another.  as I look back, I find myself wanting to bang my head against a table...for all those times I've cried about shit that didn't matter...got angry about shit that wasn't worth it.  As you all know my mom has two aneurysms and making sure that she is ok...making sure I get her to her appointments...making sure she has the right insurance has been my priority. & let me tell you it has been and incredibly bumpy road. I remember sitting down at the dining room table crying histerically to the woman on the phone while she told me for the 100th stime  that my mom was still not eligible for any type of health insurance...and Im thinking what do I do Lord? What do I have to do to get her insurance because I'm so scared that if we don't get this resolved soon my mom is going to die. We don't have 40,000 dollars for this surgery and believe it or not a hospital WILL deny you care if you can't pay..BELIEVE ME.  Every person I spoke to shut me down. So...for the past 4 months I've been  talking to whoever at whereever in order to get this shit resolved & after changing the surgery date many times..after speaking and going to all these different places.. I finally did. Her surgery is next week.(the day before my 210 nursing final btw) I've never been more exhausted. I've never been more scared. I've never thought this much about death...and I never really thought about the day my mom would no longer be here. Lately...... it seems to be  all I think about.

Dear Libra,

My horoscope today. " You will do well today if you can avoid giving in to negative comments from people who don't really matter in your life. You are on a path now to make your future a wonderful place, and along the way you will encounter certain pessimistic or antagonistic people who will do their best to bring you down. But it's up to you allow negative energy to affect you. The best force field to erect for such situations is simply your own positive attitude. Keep smiling, keep thinking beautiful and hopeful thoughts, and you will deflect anything that could potentially damage your inner harmony. "

I learned today...or I shall say RE-learned, that people never change. not ever. & like many times before I ask myself yet again. When will I ever learn...and let go.

I'm working on it.
Don't know how much time it will take but I will get there.

I strayed from writing because I didn't want to write about my problems, but sometimes all I have is write. Writing is my friend, writing never judges...writing just lets me be.  There's always a pen and paper when no one else is there.

Winter.

Winter is coming.

Your kisses kept me warm in the winter.

Like hot cocoa on a snowy day.

After a Long Rough Day...

I'm in bed just thinking of the events of this day. Felt like taking a walk in the park tonight..because it is a gorgeous I mean gorgeous night but in all honesty I don't want to be out there alone. Just needed someone to talk to tonight but since there's really no one around, I have you blog. So long story short, my mother has been feeling crappy lately..many different things in the course of this year. Turns out she has two aneurysms in her brain. They don't know if she needs surgery yet. She has to get more tests done to see how big/serious they are. Let me tell you.......I am scared.

My mother had brain surgery about 20 years ago...I don't remember much of it. I just remember her being gone for some time...and then she was home...bald...staples across her head,,,and weak. The day she came home I remember I was so excited to see her and when I saw her...I couldn't believe she was my mother....but then she recovered. &  I don't remember anything about it. I just remeber her having hair again..and smiling and it was almost as if it never happened.

Here I am today...a 25 year old woman. Smart enough...aware enough of what is really going on...sitting across from my mother who is weeping like a child. Telling me " I don't want them to open me up again" and I'm strong..I look at her and say Mami...you will be fine...besides...it"s 2011 there are many other ways of treating this problem other than full open (brain) surgery.

But deep down I'm scared....and praying.....that I won't ever have to look at my mother and see what I saw that day she came back from the hospital 20 years ago. My mother doesn't deserve it.

lost in my own thoughts

so I've been a bit torn lately...I was thinking.....overanalyzing really..the relationships that I have in my life. All my life I've had a handful of friends. I've literally been hanging out with the same people since like 4th grade. I love my friends....but lately I don't really LIKE them. I don't have a problem with ALL of them just certain ones.  I've had people walk in and out of my life just as much as the next guy, but why is it so hard for me to walk away from things/people that I'm having a real issue with? I've just been feeling lately like I have nothing in common with these people anymore. How did we become so different and where do you take it from there? What happens when you wake up one day and realize that you don't enjoy the person that your friend, or partner or who ever has become. Do you cut them off? Would you really have a relationship with this person if you hadn't known them all your life? We've changed, but we just keep hanging on...why??

Am I this person that doesn't have the courage to walk away...so I wait to be walked away from?

Maybe I'm just bored...in need of a fresh start..of fresh faces....which I was surrounded by in Nursing School but I haven't really opened up to these new people...my insecurities have built up this wall that just keeps me from going out and fully engaging with these new people. It's like Im stuck in this world of the same things over and over again....its what I'm used to......but all of a sudden its become uncomfortable....and I just don't know what to do.  ugh.

Dee

Shiraz and some Me Time...

Hey blog. So its been a couple of weeks and it has been great being off from school. I feel like I have so much time now. Just trying to decide what exactly to fill my time with. I've been working full time no which after a year of not doing so..really sucks ass. But the money is good so Thank God for that. I've been reading, and drinking wine(drinking some Shiraz right now btw) and taking lil trips to the city..and planning for a great summer. Oh... I got a tattoo.

and I love it.

so for those of you who hate tattoos I'm sorry or I'm not.lol....It's been quiet......I've had a lot of me time...and a lot of  fun.. Memorial weekend was great...mmm with a few blah moments. but I guess its just the beginning. Next year by now I will be graduating, hopefully. It's been a great couple of weeks..sooo looking forward to the rest.



So Happy I Could Cry.

But I won't ;)

That's me up there on the right in the operating room.

I am finally done with the first year of Nursing School.

Finished this last semester with a B+

I can't really explain how amazing this feels.

How proud I am of myself.

1 year done. 1 more to go.

Now....I'm ready for an amazing summer.

P.S.
So many of you believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank You.

Love,
Me.

I'm just a soul who's intentions are goooooooodddddddd ....

so so sorry for abandoning you for such a long time bloggers,,,,and then writing that horrific drunk blog last week. lol. we all have our weak moments don't we? so. catching up time? yes. so i've been good, on my last week of schoo,l actually taking a break from studying from my final right now. I've been studying for the past 4 days so far. Final's on Thursday and I have to say I'm not at all nervous. More like "come on let's get this over with" anyway...ask me tomorrow lol lol. Mother's day just passed and My famz and I went to this place called Rumba Cubano to have dinner. OMG amazing cuban food...and cheap too...hey what more can you ask for.

I've been feeling really happy lately..hmmm don't know what it is lol. Maybe it's because after a year of Nursing school torture, I'm actually getting a longgggg break. So excited for the summer and for what's in store for me..cuz I know it will be great... That's if the world doesn't end..or if I don't chosen on judgement day which is on May 21 according to Harold Camping... yea....I google lol....but hey just in case that really is our dooms day, until that day comes....I'll be living my life...happily, day by day. :) Moving on...I've been listening to some great music lately man...old songs...and some new ones that I'm just like woa. I've actually had to stay away from listening to my ipod because if I do....then I can't study. Its like I get into this muscial,,,amazing trance. lol anyway here are some downloading worthy songs.

Reminded- Tyga ft. Adele
Bound to you- Cristina Aguilera
Ex-factor- Lauryn Hill just in case you didn't have that
Someone to Love Me- Mary J. Blige, Diddy, and Lil Wayne...takes me back to that 90s feel.
Moon and the Sky- Sade and Jay Z....just lovely
Rolling in the Deep- Adele
I Need a Doctor- Eminem, Dr. Dre and Skylar Grey


PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD-NINA SIMONE.....in capatitals...just cuz it's so damn good.

Hope you like:) there are so many more but I have to get back to studying.
sorry.

LOVE,
a happy (please Lord don't let me get off this high lol) Dar. xoxo

...

What is it? Why is it....?? that what we want what just doesn't want us back.....or why is it that we want what we just can't have. I just don't understand. I want it so fuckin bad...so why can't I ...why won't I...have it......why?

It's Cinco de Mayo...I'v had too much vodka....and I just. don't.understand. FUCK............FUCK.

1 a.m. and Home Alone...

How often I've fantasized of you being here.
You come to my door in the middle of the night, like a forbidden love.

I wear flannel shorts and an old t-shirt. you play with my hair
My cheek finds the perfect spot on your shoulder.
My lips barely but so....flawlessly grazing against your neck.

we talk of books, and movies,
of friends, and family
love,
loss,
everything.

we lay...never counting the minutes,
time..stops just then.
&  nothing else matters.
 la gioia di essere solo
(la delicia de estar solos)

It's 1 am...I am home alone....& .I fantasize of you my love, whoever you may be.


-dee.
<3

I Kiss My Life...

I repeat a quote I used in a last blog just because I've become quite an aquaintance to this situation, one too many times.




"things change. people leave. but life doesn't stop for anybody." (well unless you die).

I have to stop being this person that thinks she is ALWAYS doing something wrong. I mean I know I've made mistakes but...damn. Sometimes I just don't deserve the bullshit treatment I get. & it comes in so many different ways. It's about friends who abandon you, guys who break your heart, fathers who lie, coworkers who talk shit behind your back. Not everyone will understand you, not everyone is going to be there after a night you thought was special, not everyone will want to sit and listen when you are going through some pain. people who want to be there will. i GET it........I really do. & it's all okay.

I kiss my life because I've only got one to live.with or without you.

-dee