I Thought I'd Never Feel You Again.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, too much maybe. I've been distracted, can't focus, and it shouldn't be this way for me. Not now, because it won't end well. Second semester of Nursing school's started and I shouldn't be preoccupied with anything other than studying and doing my thing.....but...I have. So instead of letting it invade my mind at night for any longer, I've decided to write about it and maybe I can get on with it.
My ex/first love/cherry popper/ has moved back into town just recently with his wife (the woman he left me for) and his child, and I'm all weird about it.  I don't love him, I haven't for a very long time, but knowing that he's around, it brings back so many painful memories.  Quote time?? Yes.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them feel"- Maya Angelou

Now let's be honest when it comes to relationships that didn't end well you often remember EVERYTHING. but I do think back and find myself struggling to remember what the fights and arguements were about, well, at least petty ones, but I can't ever forget how he. hurt. me. & how long I allowed it to happen. I can't believe, it still fucking hurts. To see what he's become, to see how perfectly his life seems to have gone on, I say seem because you never really know.  It's difficult because here I am. I haven't had one real relationship since him & though I am proud of the fact that I'm doing what I want, that I'm successful in school, and that I'm laying the pavements leading to my dream career FINALLY in the right direction. What about love? what about that dream? I'm alone, as much my fault(I admit) as it is most of the guys(some of them real douchebags) I've tried to love. It's hard ladies and gentlemen, you all KNOW this...... to find love. I find myself twisting and turning at night, thinking of times when I cried myself to sleep or when I didn't sleep,  just cried. Like a child....I was 19 years old and I cried like a two year old who fell and needed her mother, EVERY NIGHT. I think of all the stupid mistakes I made after the relationship was over, things I did to fill that hole because I felt so damn empty. I hate it. So, I don't know. It's not like I want something bad to happen to him though I wanted that years ago when fucked me over. In reality that won't make me feel better. I know you must be laughing at that sentence right now but it's true. You think it's going to make you feel better, seeing the person who hurt you in pain, but it won't. Truth is, your pain will never go away, it might die down a little, or go into a hiatus but it can always come back to the surface. All it needs is a little reminder.

-Til May

Darleny