two thousand eleven in review.

This year has been quite the rollercoaster for me...it was just...for the lack of a better word...difficult. So im actually glad to see it go away lol. Can't believe we are already celebrating New Years..time has passed so darn fast. I once made a list, some time ago of things that I want to do, that I never did before.... before that year was over. Unfortunatley, I didn't open myself up enough to do those things. But surprisingly enough, in what has been probably the most overwhelming year I've had...I did some of those things on the list..and some things that weren't without even realizing it. & going through them in my head...I've done some pretty cool things this year. They might not seem like a big deal to any of you because they are actually so common.....but here is my year in review.





{got my first tatto which I love}

{experienced the operating room AND helped deliver a baby}



{went to DC to see all things history}



{went on a road trip with friends to Philly}

                                                                     

{went to Medieval Times-I really had never went there before lol}

{opened myself up to an amazing group of people-my nursing school buddies}



{made my first Christmas Eve dinner}





Now, like I said some of these things might seem -blah- but they were all important to me throughout this year. It reminds me that even in a time where everything seemed to go wrong, I still had some fun, exciting moments. I'm excited for the new year. 2012 will be the beginning of the rest of my life as a nurse. It will be the start of a new life. It will be exciting and scary, and fun and full of love. 2012 will be great. Happy New Year everyone!!

my first noche buena dinner

So my Christmas dinner was a success...food came out really good. on the menu was roasted chicken with a wasakaka sauce (like a mojo sauce but Dominican style) made from scratch, green salad, pernil, moro de guandules, pastelon de platano maduro, ensalada de coditos, potatoes au gratin,  it was all very delicious...I have to say my family was very pleased. Hope your noche buena was as good as mine :)

Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas is around the corner....a little different for us this year....my family and I usually go to my sisters for Christmas or have people over but this year since my mom is still in the healing process I've decided to  make dinner at my home. Nobody is really coming over because my sister's are all going to their moms house. So, its just my mom, dad , lil Andrew, and my older brother Chris. I'm very excited to be cooking, I've never done the whole "noche buena" shabang myelf and this will be my first time cooking a pernil in general. My mom's gets easily  fatigued now so she will help and give me some instructions but I'm doing the majority of the cooking lol. We'll see how it turns out....and hey I'm not that bad, I'm sure it will be great lol. Anyway here is a picture of my mom and little brother decorating the Christmas tree. I used a picture app on my phone and I think it came out so cool!!  Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Merry Christmas!!!

it's not that serious.

so I'm 26
not married
not engaged
not pregnant
why is that such a bad thing?
Everybody is like oh you need to find someone soon!!!
What's the obsession...??
I get lonely sometimes...I do but
I'd like to think I have some time.....yea who doesn't want someone to love...someone to love them back.
I just haven't met that person yet
so.....back off. sheeshhhh.

some time.

So...my mom's surgery went well...thank you JESUS....she's home and resting, very fatigued but doing well. We have to go back in 6 weeks for another procedure but so far so good. I'm so relieved and so happy that she is back home. Final also went well...finished by third semester of Nursing school with a B- which in Nursing school is amazing. I'm proud of myself and I'm very happy for the blessings I've had these passed couple of months. In the words of my clinical instructor "Santa is looking out for you this Christmas." Today has been the first day in a longgg time since I've actually gotten to relax and have some time for myself. It was an overwhelming couple of weeks and I have to say I almost thought I wouldn't make it through this final. I've been so exhausted that when I got my final grade I didn't even have a reaction. I was kind of like ok back to bed lol. Then later onnnn I was like holy shit its time to celebrate lol.
I've been taking care of my mom since the surgery. Can you believe, the hightlight of my week was making her chicken soup? lol and it actually came out pretty damn good. She had a smile from ear to ear when she saw me walk into her room with a bowl of homeade soup in my hand. She ate everysingle spoon of it. It was an awesome feeling. Its the best feeling when you can take care of someone who has done so much for you. I love her. She is seriously the mac to my cheese. I'm so happy she is home...so happy she is safe...and so happy she finally got this damn procedure done.

I have some time off now...time I really needed. I have some time with her and dad..and my family. Some time I'm going to enjoy the fullest.

can't wait to get to a road with a little less bumps.

in a scary place right now. I've had...the most difficult time the passed couple of months.  I've always had some reason to complain about my life...always felt incredibly pained, angry, depressed about one thing or another.  as I look back, I find myself wanting to bang my head against a table...for all those times I've cried about shit that didn't matter...got angry about shit that wasn't worth it.  As you all know my mom has two aneurysms and making sure that she is ok...making sure I get her to her appointments...making sure she has the right insurance has been my priority. & let me tell you it has been and incredibly bumpy road. I remember sitting down at the dining room table crying histerically to the woman on the phone while she told me for the 100th stime  that my mom was still not eligible for any type of health insurance...and Im thinking what do I do Lord? What do I have to do to get her insurance because I'm so scared that if we don't get this resolved soon my mom is going to die. We don't have 40,000 dollars for this surgery and believe it or not a hospital WILL deny you care if you can't pay..BELIEVE ME.  Every person I spoke to shut me down. So...for the past 4 months I've been  talking to whoever at whereever in order to get this shit resolved & after changing the surgery date many times..after speaking and going to all these different places.. I finally did. Her surgery is next week.(the day before my 210 nursing final btw) I've never been more exhausted. I've never been more scared. I've never thought this much about death...and I never really thought about the day my mom would no longer be here. Lately...... it seems to be  all I think about.

Dear Libra,

My horoscope today. " You will do well today if you can avoid giving in to negative comments from people who don't really matter in your life. You are on a path now to make your future a wonderful place, and along the way you will encounter certain pessimistic or antagonistic people who will do their best to bring you down. But it's up to you allow negative energy to affect you. The best force field to erect for such situations is simply your own positive attitude. Keep smiling, keep thinking beautiful and hopeful thoughts, and you will deflect anything that could potentially damage your inner harmony. "

I learned today...or I shall say RE-learned, that people never change. not ever. & like many times before I ask myself yet again. When will I ever learn...and let go.

I'm working on it.
Don't know how much time it will take but I will get there.

I strayed from writing because I didn't want to write about my problems, but sometimes all I have is write. Writing is my friend, writing never judges...writing just lets me be.  There's always a pen and paper when no one else is there.

Winter.

Winter is coming.

Your kisses kept me warm in the winter.

Like hot cocoa on a snowy day.

After a Long Rough Day...

I'm in bed just thinking of the events of this day. Felt like taking a walk in the park tonight..because it is a gorgeous I mean gorgeous night but in all honesty I don't want to be out there alone. Just needed someone to talk to tonight but since there's really no one around, I have you blog. So long story short, my mother has been feeling crappy lately..many different things in the course of this year. Turns out she has two aneurysms in her brain. They don't know if she needs surgery yet. She has to get more tests done to see how big/serious they are. Let me tell you.......I am scared.

My mother had brain surgery about 20 years ago...I don't remember much of it. I just remember her being gone for some time...and then she was home...bald...staples across her head,,,and weak. The day she came home I remember I was so excited to see her and when I saw her...I couldn't believe she was my mother....but then she recovered. &  I don't remember anything about it. I just remeber her having hair again..and smiling and it was almost as if it never happened.

Here I am today...a 25 year old woman. Smart enough...aware enough of what is really going on...sitting across from my mother who is weeping like a child. Telling me " I don't want them to open me up again" and I'm strong..I look at her and say Mami...you will be fine...besides...it"s 2011 there are many other ways of treating this problem other than full open (brain) surgery.

But deep down I'm scared....and praying.....that I won't ever have to look at my mother and see what I saw that day she came back from the hospital 20 years ago. My mother doesn't deserve it.

lost in my own thoughts

so I've been a bit torn lately...I was thinking.....overanalyzing really..the relationships that I have in my life. All my life I've had a handful of friends. I've literally been hanging out with the same people since like 4th grade. I love my friends....but lately I don't really LIKE them. I don't have a problem with ALL of them just certain ones.  I've had people walk in and out of my life just as much as the next guy, but why is it so hard for me to walk away from things/people that I'm having a real issue with? I've just been feeling lately like I have nothing in common with these people anymore. How did we become so different and where do you take it from there? What happens when you wake up one day and realize that you don't enjoy the person that your friend, or partner or who ever has become. Do you cut them off? Would you really have a relationship with this person if you hadn't known them all your life? We've changed, but we just keep hanging on...why??

Am I this person that doesn't have the courage to walk away...so I wait to be walked away from?

Maybe I'm just bored...in need of a fresh start..of fresh faces....which I was surrounded by in Nursing School but I haven't really opened up to these new people...my insecurities have built up this wall that just keeps me from going out and fully engaging with these new people. It's like Im stuck in this world of the same things over and over again....its what I'm used to......but all of a sudden its become uncomfortable....and I just don't know what to do.  ugh.

Dee

Shiraz and some Me Time...

Hey blog. So its been a couple of weeks and it has been great being off from school. I feel like I have so much time now. Just trying to decide what exactly to fill my time with. I've been working full time no which after a year of not doing so..really sucks ass. But the money is good so Thank God for that. I've been reading, and drinking wine(drinking some Shiraz right now btw) and taking lil trips to the city..and planning for a great summer. Oh... I got a tattoo.

and I love it.

so for those of you who hate tattoos I'm sorry or I'm not.lol....It's been quiet......I've had a lot of me time...and a lot of  fun.. Memorial weekend was great...mmm with a few blah moments. but I guess its just the beginning. Next year by now I will be graduating, hopefully. It's been a great couple of weeks..sooo looking forward to the rest.



So Happy I Could Cry.

But I won't ;)

That's me up there on the right in the operating room.

I am finally done with the first year of Nursing School.

Finished this last semester with a B+

I can't really explain how amazing this feels.

How proud I am of myself.

1 year done. 1 more to go.

Now....I'm ready for an amazing summer.

P.S.
So many of you believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank You.

Love,
Me.

I'm just a soul who's intentions are goooooooodddddddd ....

so so sorry for abandoning you for such a long time bloggers,,,,and then writing that horrific drunk blog last week. lol. we all have our weak moments don't we? so. catching up time? yes. so i've been good, on my last week of schoo,l actually taking a break from studying from my final right now. I've been studying for the past 4 days so far. Final's on Thursday and I have to say I'm not at all nervous. More like "come on let's get this over with" anyway...ask me tomorrow lol lol. Mother's day just passed and My famz and I went to this place called Rumba Cubano to have dinner. OMG amazing cuban food...and cheap too...hey what more can you ask for.

I've been feeling really happy lately..hmmm don't know what it is lol. Maybe it's because after a year of Nursing school torture, I'm actually getting a longgggg break. So excited for the summer and for what's in store for me..cuz I know it will be great... That's if the world doesn't end..or if I don't chosen on judgement day which is on May 21 according to Harold Camping... yea....I google lol....but hey just in case that really is our dooms day, until that day comes....I'll be living my life...happily, day by day. :) Moving on...I've been listening to some great music lately man...old songs...and some new ones that I'm just like woa. I've actually had to stay away from listening to my ipod because if I do....then I can't study. Its like I get into this muscial,,,amazing trance. lol anyway here are some downloading worthy songs.

Reminded- Tyga ft. Adele
Bound to you- Cristina Aguilera
Ex-factor- Lauryn Hill just in case you didn't have that
Someone to Love Me- Mary J. Blige, Diddy, and Lil Wayne...takes me back to that 90s feel.
Moon and the Sky- Sade and Jay Z....just lovely
Rolling in the Deep- Adele
I Need a Doctor- Eminem, Dr. Dre and Skylar Grey


PLEASE DON'T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD-NINA SIMONE.....in capatitals...just cuz it's so damn good.

Hope you like:) there are so many more but I have to get back to studying.
sorry.

LOVE,
a happy (please Lord don't let me get off this high lol) Dar. xoxo

...

What is it? Why is it....?? that what we want what just doesn't want us back.....or why is it that we want what we just can't have. I just don't understand. I want it so fuckin bad...so why can't I ...why won't I...have it......why?

It's Cinco de Mayo...I'v had too much vodka....and I just. don't.understand. FUCK............FUCK.

1 a.m. and Home Alone...

How often I've fantasized of you being here.
You come to my door in the middle of the night, like a forbidden love.

I wear flannel shorts and an old t-shirt. you play with my hair
My cheek finds the perfect spot on your shoulder.
My lips barely but so....flawlessly grazing against your neck.

we talk of books, and movies,
of friends, and family
love,
loss,
everything.

we lay...never counting the minutes,
time..stops just then.
&  nothing else matters.
 la gioia di essere solo
(la delicia de estar solos)

It's 1 am...I am home alone....& .I fantasize of you my love, whoever you may be.


-dee.
<3

I Kiss My Life...

I repeat a quote I used in a last blog just because I've become quite an aquaintance to this situation, one too many times.




"things change. people leave. but life doesn't stop for anybody." (well unless you die).

I have to stop being this person that thinks she is ALWAYS doing something wrong. I mean I know I've made mistakes but...damn. Sometimes I just don't deserve the bullshit treatment I get. & it comes in so many different ways. It's about friends who abandon you, guys who break your heart, fathers who lie, coworkers who talk shit behind your back. Not everyone will understand you, not everyone is going to be there after a night you thought was special, not everyone will want to sit and listen when you are going through some pain. people who want to be there will. i GET it........I really do. & it's all okay.

I kiss my life because I've only got one to live.with or without you.

-dee

Family Affair

I have three sisters and two brothers, an enormous amount of uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews. Very rarely do we ever hangout and when we do it always ends in disasters. I've always been envious of families that have sunday dinners and go on trips together. My family isn't like that. My mother has always been the evil "step mother" my father always the one who is "never there". One sister never got enough attention, the other too much...the other was just stuck in the middle. My brother not really my fathers felt, lost. And my lil brother Andrew is.......the result of an affair. Then there's me sitting back always experiencing and almost out of body experience. Looking at everything from above. Always wanting us to just get along, to love eachother, to appreciate eachother. Always waiting for what I'm beginning to think is impossible, always hoping for.......Unity.

my heart's a little sad today.

Dar.

Dear Summer...I can feel you already.

I'm finally on spring break and my mind is full of thoughts,and ideas on my plans for this summer.  I want to do so many things and I always say Im going to do them and I never do. Remember my hot air balloon idea? Yea. That never happened. lol .....I started of school in September setting goals for myself. I didn't want to just pass Nursing School I wanted to be GREAT at it. So far.....so good. It feels good to actually accomplish something you said you would do. So...my plans are the same for the summer. I don't ever want to come home this summer and stay home. It doesn't mean I want to go clubbing everynight...what I mean is I want to do other things than just comeback home after work, take a shower, and get ready for bed...booooringggggg. I want to go bike riding, hit up the city for a broadway show and some ice cream. Take a day and go to AC and do some gambling...maybe take salsa classes, spend every hot weekend in a beach or pool..preferably the beach. Take my little brother to the zoo, spend and evening or two or three lol in Soho's West Broadway. Anyway you get my drift. I've had a great year. I've worked harder than I've worked for anything ever. I don't want to get a head of myself but I'm sure this semester will end the way I want it to so why not hope AND work for  a ridiculously awesome summer?

PS
I'm throwing in keeping a budget in there somewhere lol. I've been working on that for a couple of months now. I'm preparing myself for the beginning of the rest of my life people!!! I'm getting there :) Oh. and 94 on my last exam....THAT is blogworthy lol.

Who Said I Can't Do it??? Well... They Were Wrong.

"I'm stronger and better and ready for whatever."

That's definitely my motto for this year. I think the endorfins are kicking in from working out, because I feel A-MAZING. Got a test on Monday which I think I'm going to do pretty awesome in. I'm confident....for the first time in a long time.............and that all by itself is blogworthy. :)

Life is but a Moment.

“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.”- Ashley Montagu

I got to thinking. We have so many moments that shape us. So many little moments through out the day that make us..that break us...and sometimes we don't even realize what's happening. Today I just can't stop thinking about how many incredible moments I've had in my life that I've either been to blind to recognize or to caught up in stupid shit to appreciate them.  Blame it on Japan. I mean I'm here today. I might not be tomorrow.  Who knows some big ass Tsunami could come out of NOWHERE and wash away everything, leaving no evidence of what a great life you had. I  feel that we often just go about our days without really thinking about how lucky we are. About how great we are. About how beautiful we are. Have you ever had someone look at you like your the only one that exists, like your smile can make everything great, even when they are at their BEST, that smile can still make it better? I have, but I was always to busy focusing on what I hated about myself...to realize that to someone, I'm perfect. Just the way I am. (my parents agree lol) I'm just feeling grateful today. To have the family that I have, the friends that I have, to be alive, and to be loved.

;) Good Night bloggers.

Untitled

La ternura de tus ojos, dulzura de tus besos
La calma que llevas por dentro
  todo lo tuyo me envuelve
en un capullo donde solamente existimos los dos
entregandonos el alma.
El amor es tan.....delicioso.
Aprovechalo
Y si no, se va...lentamente pero ciertamente olvidandose de ti.
Chocando sobre ti la realizacion que el tiempo y la oportunidad se revala de tus manos.



<3

Here I Go Again...

I'm good in MIND. I have my moments like anyone else...but overall, I'm good, I am tranquila(calm)...I just love that word in spanish lol.

My SPIRITS are up. Spring is around the corner. I LOVE spring.

Time to work on my BODY.  No not because it's almost summer, but because I'm unhealthy. I HATE being unhealthy. So  I went back to the gym on Monday. Feels great to be back. I'm taking it slow though. I have school, so that's my focus but I'm pretty sure exercise will only make me feel better, and help me STAY focused.

Here I go again.........you watch me.

A Determined, Dar :)

Love or Something Like It...

All things love...
& you all know I'm a sucka for love <3

I Chose Right.

I thought I wouldn't be writing so much...but like I've already posted, sleep seems to stay far far away from me. Just got back from my first night back to med-serg clinical rotation at Christ Hospital. Had a great clinical night. So, I helped my clinical group with this very interesting patient, helped irrigate his NG tube, clean his stoma/changed his colostomy bag. For anybody reading this, if you don't know what the above means lol google it. Anyway, sad story with this patient. He is completely depressed, so depressed that he can't even perform ADL's (sorry that means he can't even do routine things like feeding himself of bathing himself) You, see he was diagnosed with Diabetes quite some time ago and all he really dedicated himself to was his job. Well his job layed him off and he got so depressed that he just stopped taking care of himself. He is 55 years old & he can't talk, he is on oxygen, he's suffered a stroke, he has a huge ulcer on his back connected to a drainage device, he has a catheter, and he has a colostomy and he has a tube inserted into his stomach for feeding.  :( It was horrible to see. But we all took care of him. Cleaned him up, changed his sheets, gave him his meds & at the end of it I reached for his hand and reassured him that we were going to be there tomorrow to take care of him. He squeezed my hand a gave me this look. like THANK YOU.  & that's why I want to do this, that's why I chose to take this direction because although so many people out there say to me "I can't clean shit for the rest of my life or oh man you have to deal with blood and vomit and blah blah blah." , I know that the truth is, I'm going to be touching peoples lives. I'm going to help people feel better and though I know I won't be able to save EVERYONE's life...I'm always going to have those moments, those patients that are going to make it worth while.

I had a good clinical night........something's still off.
so, I'm off. Good night bloggers.
-Dee

12.45 AM

Quarter to 1am and I can't sleep. That's not unusual for me lately...got a lot on my mind. One of them definitely being school. I think my brain is just constantly on the go now. Even when I tell my mind to go to  sleep it  just keeps working. I dream of colostomies, and therapeutic communication, injections and IV dosages. It's really never-ending. Another thing occupying my mind lately is how much I want to go back to the gym, make time for me to work out. Time just doesn't seem to  be my friend lately. I feel I don't have time for much anymore that doesn't involve being a grown ass responsible working student. Wake up..go to my 9-2, study 2-4, school 5:30-11pm. Where do my days go?? I really shouldn't be complaining I KNOW because things were going really really well lately. but....things are off right now. Maybe just tonight I'm feeling.........just off....after weeks of being.......on. Sheesh you would think I was bipolar.

I just need a moment. A pefect moment.  Maybe a smile, a kiss on the head, a brush on the lips, or a breath on my neck. A hug....or an I love you. Just for me. A completely, ridiculously blissful, perfect minute, just for me.

-darleny.

Can We Rewind??

I' feel like death today. I actually want to go to bed. Can't even get myself to do that. I have an exam tomorrow....I think I've studied all I could and I know I should be trying to review and all that but I can't so....Hi blog. It's been two days. (last entry was a drunk entry so it's gone now)lol. I'll make this short. Timing is everything. I always say time doesn't wait for you when you've fallen behind. So get your shit together people. You want something? Go get that shit...& even if it doesn't work out..or you don't get what you want, at least you can sit back relax and say you tried. I tell you this from personal experience. I've had MANY. well they're not exactly experiences more like lost opportunities but you get my drift. You see because I'll tell you what happens next, you might go on wondering what if for..... (let's not exaggerate here) not the REST of your life but a great majority of it. OR worse...you can get one little taste of what you let pass you by and then say SHIT. What the fuck? Can we rewind???........Anyway just remember this....Things DO happen for a reason. They do. So do I have any regrets? "Other than timing...none" & thats that. I feel like shit. I'm off to bed.

A sick but otherwise doing pretty damn good-Dar

Probably My Best Facebook Status Ever!

with everyday that passes, my motivation to finish school only gets bigger. I know that the sacrifes I am making now, will pay off for me at the end. I'm intelligent and hardworking, and I owe to it MYSELF to move on to bigger and better. There are so many opportunities waiting for me out there, and I can't wait to start taking them. Step by step, day by day, I'm on my way.


-Written like a true champ ;)

Now really unitl May lol

I Thought I'd Never Feel You Again.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, too much maybe. I've been distracted, can't focus, and it shouldn't be this way for me. Not now, because it won't end well. Second semester of Nursing school's started and I shouldn't be preoccupied with anything other than studying and doing my thing.....but...I have. So instead of letting it invade my mind at night for any longer, I've decided to write about it and maybe I can get on with it.
My ex/first love/cherry popper/ has moved back into town just recently with his wife (the woman he left me for) and his child, and I'm all weird about it.  I don't love him, I haven't for a very long time, but knowing that he's around, it brings back so many painful memories.  Quote time?? Yes.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people forget what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them feel"- Maya Angelou

Now let's be honest when it comes to relationships that didn't end well you often remember EVERYTHING. but I do think back and find myself struggling to remember what the fights and arguements were about, well, at least petty ones, but I can't ever forget how he. hurt. me. & how long I allowed it to happen. I can't believe, it still fucking hurts. To see what he's become, to see how perfectly his life seems to have gone on, I say seem because you never really know.  It's difficult because here I am. I haven't had one real relationship since him & though I am proud of the fact that I'm doing what I want, that I'm successful in school, and that I'm laying the pavements leading to my dream career FINALLY in the right direction. What about love? what about that dream? I'm alone, as much my fault(I admit) as it is most of the guys(some of them real douchebags) I've tried to love. It's hard ladies and gentlemen, you all KNOW this...... to find love. I find myself twisting and turning at night, thinking of times when I cried myself to sleep or when I didn't sleep,  just cried. Like a child....I was 19 years old and I cried like a two year old who fell and needed her mother, EVERY NIGHT. I think of all the stupid mistakes I made after the relationship was over, things I did to fill that hole because I felt so damn empty. I hate it. So, I don't know. It's not like I want something bad to happen to him though I wanted that years ago when fucked me over. In reality that won't make me feel better. I know you must be laughing at that sentence right now but it's true. You think it's going to make you feel better, seeing the person who hurt you in pain, but it won't. Truth is, your pain will never go away, it might die down a little, or go into a hiatus but it can always come back to the surface. All it needs is a little reminder.

-Til May

Darleny