some time.

So...my mom's surgery went well...thank you JESUS....she's home and resting, very fatigued but doing well. We have to go back in 6 weeks for another procedure but so far so good. I'm so relieved and so happy that she is back home. Final also went well...finished by third semester of Nursing school with a B- which in Nursing school is amazing. I'm proud of myself and I'm very happy for the blessings I've had these passed couple of months. In the words of my clinical instructor "Santa is looking out for you this Christmas." Today has been the first day in a longgg time since I've actually gotten to relax and have some time for myself. It was an overwhelming couple of weeks and I have to say I almost thought I wouldn't make it through this final. I've been so exhausted that when I got my final grade I didn't even have a reaction. I was kind of like ok back to bed lol. Then later onnnn I was like holy shit its time to celebrate lol.
I've been taking care of my mom since the surgery. Can you believe, the hightlight of my week was making her chicken soup? lol and it actually came out pretty damn good. She had a smile from ear to ear when she saw me walk into her room with a bowl of homeade soup in my hand. She ate everysingle spoon of it. It was an awesome feeling. Its the best feeling when you can take care of someone who has done so much for you. I love her. She is seriously the mac to my cheese. I'm so happy she is home...so happy she is safe...and so happy she finally got this damn procedure done.

I have some time off now...time I really needed. I have some time with her and dad..and my family. Some time I'm going to enjoy the fullest.

can't wait to get to a road with a little less bumps.

in a scary place right now. I've had...the most difficult time the passed couple of months.  I've always had some reason to complain about my life...always felt incredibly pained, angry, depressed about one thing or another.  as I look back, I find myself wanting to bang my head against a table...for all those times I've cried about shit that didn't matter...got angry about shit that wasn't worth it.  As you all know my mom has two aneurysms and making sure that she is ok...making sure I get her to her appointments...making sure she has the right insurance has been my priority. & let me tell you it has been and incredibly bumpy road. I remember sitting down at the dining room table crying histerically to the woman on the phone while she told me for the 100th stime  that my mom was still not eligible for any type of health insurance...and Im thinking what do I do Lord? What do I have to do to get her insurance because I'm so scared that if we don't get this resolved soon my mom is going to die. We don't have 40,000 dollars for this surgery and believe it or not a hospital WILL deny you care if you can't pay..BELIEVE ME.  Every person I spoke to shut me down. So...for the past 4 months I've been  talking to whoever at whereever in order to get this shit resolved & after changing the surgery date many times..after speaking and going to all these different places.. I finally did. Her surgery is next week.(the day before my 210 nursing final btw) I've never been more exhausted. I've never been more scared. I've never thought this much about death...and I never really thought about the day my mom would no longer be here. Lately...... it seems to be  all I think about.

Dear Libra,

My horoscope today. " You will do well today if you can avoid giving in to negative comments from people who don't really matter in your life. You are on a path now to make your future a wonderful place, and along the way you will encounter certain pessimistic or antagonistic people who will do their best to bring you down. But it's up to you allow negative energy to affect you. The best force field to erect for such situations is simply your own positive attitude. Keep smiling, keep thinking beautiful and hopeful thoughts, and you will deflect anything that could potentially damage your inner harmony. "

I learned today...or I shall say RE-learned, that people never change. not ever. & like many times before I ask myself yet again. When will I ever learn...and let go.

I'm working on it.
Don't know how much time it will take but I will get there.

I strayed from writing because I didn't want to write about my problems, but sometimes all I have is write. Writing is my friend, writing never judges...writing just lets me be.  There's always a pen and paper when no one else is there.

Winter.

Winter is coming.

Your kisses kept me warm in the winter.

Like hot cocoa on a snowy day.

After a Long Rough Day...

I'm in bed just thinking of the events of this day. Felt like taking a walk in the park tonight..because it is a gorgeous I mean gorgeous night but in all honesty I don't want to be out there alone. Just needed someone to talk to tonight but since there's really no one around, I have you blog. So long story short, my mother has been feeling crappy lately..many different things in the course of this year. Turns out she has two aneurysms in her brain. They don't know if she needs surgery yet. She has to get more tests done to see how big/serious they are. Let me tell you.......I am scared.

My mother had brain surgery about 20 years ago...I don't remember much of it. I just remember her being gone for some time...and then she was home...bald...staples across her head,,,and weak. The day she came home I remember I was so excited to see her and when I saw her...I couldn't believe she was my mother....but then she recovered. &  I don't remember anything about it. I just remeber her having hair again..and smiling and it was almost as if it never happened.

Here I am today...a 25 year old woman. Smart enough...aware enough of what is really going on...sitting across from my mother who is weeping like a child. Telling me " I don't want them to open me up again" and I'm strong..I look at her and say Mami...you will be fine...besides...it"s 2011 there are many other ways of treating this problem other than full open (brain) surgery.

But deep down I'm scared....and praying.....that I won't ever have to look at my mother and see what I saw that day she came back from the hospital 20 years ago. My mother doesn't deserve it.

lost in my own thoughts

so I've been a bit torn lately...I was thinking.....overanalyzing really..the relationships that I have in my life. All my life I've had a handful of friends. I've literally been hanging out with the same people since like 4th grade. I love my friends....but lately I don't really LIKE them. I don't have a problem with ALL of them just certain ones.  I've had people walk in and out of my life just as much as the next guy, but why is it so hard for me to walk away from things/people that I'm having a real issue with? I've just been feeling lately like I have nothing in common with these people anymore. How did we become so different and where do you take it from there? What happens when you wake up one day and realize that you don't enjoy the person that your friend, or partner or who ever has become. Do you cut them off? Would you really have a relationship with this person if you hadn't known them all your life? We've changed, but we just keep hanging on...why??

Am I this person that doesn't have the courage to walk away...so I wait to be walked away from?

Maybe I'm just bored...in need of a fresh start..of fresh faces....which I was surrounded by in Nursing School but I haven't really opened up to these new people...my insecurities have built up this wall that just keeps me from going out and fully engaging with these new people. It's like Im stuck in this world of the same things over and over again....its what I'm used to......but all of a sudden its become uncomfortable....and I just don't know what to do.  ugh.

Dee

Shiraz and some Me Time...

Hey blog. So its been a couple of weeks and it has been great being off from school. I feel like I have so much time now. Just trying to decide what exactly to fill my time with. I've been working full time no which after a year of not doing so..really sucks ass. But the money is good so Thank God for that. I've been reading, and drinking wine(drinking some Shiraz right now btw) and taking lil trips to the city..and planning for a great summer. Oh... I got a tattoo.

and I love it.

so for those of you who hate tattoos I'm sorry or I'm not.lol....It's been quiet......I've had a lot of me time...and a lot of  fun.. Memorial weekend was great...mmm with a few blah moments. but I guess its just the beginning. Next year by now I will be graduating, hopefully. It's been a great couple of weeks..sooo looking forward to the rest.